Repairing Ruptures

It's Okay Not to Get It Right All the Time. There is power in repairing ruptures in relationships. As parents and carers, we often hold ourselves to impossibly high standards. We want to respond to the children in our care with patience, wisdom, and calm—every time. But the reality is, research shows we only “get it right” about 30% of the time. That’s not failure—that’s being human.

The good news? The other 70% of the time—when things don’t go as planned—isn’t lost. This is where the real magic of connection happens: in the repair.

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What Is a Rupture?

A rupture is a moment of disconnection in a relationship. It can be big or small. It might be:

• Raising your voice when you’re overwhelmed

• Dismissing a child’s big feelings because you’re stressed

• Saying “you’re fine” when they really aren’t

• Forgetting to follow through on something they were counting on

These moments happen in every relationship—even the healthiest ones. Especially when we or our children are tired, stressed, or dysregulated.

Why Repair Matters

Repair is the process of coming back together after a rupture. It’s when we:

• Acknowledge what happened

• Take responsibility (without shame)

• Offer connection and reassurance

• Make space for the child’s experience

• Show that even when things go wrong, love and safety remain

Repair teaches children that relationships can survive hard moments. That emotions are safe to express. That they are still worthy of love—even when things feel messy.

How to Repair a Rupture

Here are some simple steps:

1. Pause and Regulate Yourself First

Take a breath, step away if needed. You can’t co-regulate if you’re still overwhelmed.

2. Acknowledge the Moment

"I noticed I raised my voice earlier. That might have felt scary or confusing."

3. Apologize Without Blame

"I’m sorry I spoke that way. It wasn’t your fault. I was feeling overwhelmed and didn’t handle it the way I wanted to."

4. Reconnect

Offer a hug, sit beside them, play together, or simply be near. The goal is to show: “I’m here. We’re okay.”

Example of what repairing rupture might look like in real life...

Ella and her son, Noah (aged 6)

Noah was having a hard time getting ready for school. He didn’t want to wear the clothes Ella had laid out and started crying. Already running late, Ella snapped: “Just put it on! We don’t have time for this!”

Noah shut down and went silent.

Later that morning, after dropping him off, Ella felt a wave of guilt. That afternoon, she sat with Noah and said gently: “Hey buddy, I’m sorry I yelled this morning. I was feeling rushed and didn’t stop to listen to how you were feeling. I imagine that didn’t feel very good.”

Noah nodded. Ella asked, “Would you like to help pick your clothes tonight so mornings feel better?” He smiled and hugged her.

That small repair—acknowledging, taking responsibility, reconnecting—helped Noah feel seen and safe again. Over time, these small repairs build trust and resilience.

Final Thoughts

If you’re getting it “right” 30% of the time, you’re doing just fine. Parenting isn’t about perfection—it’s about showing up, repairing when needed, and loving your child through it all.

Every repair is a chance to say:

“Even when things go wrong, I’m still here. We’re still okay.”

You don’t need to be perfect—just present and authentic.