When School Can’t Be a Parent – And Why That’s Okay

There’s a quiet ache that families carry when school just can’t be the consistent, regulating space a child needs. And for some children—especially those who benefit from higher levels of support—school might feel unpredictable, overwhelming, or even unsafe.

And that doesn’t just impact the child. It impacts the whole family system.

When a child’s day at school is marked by distress, shutdowns, big feelings, or exclusion, our own nervous systems as parents and caregivers feel it too. It’s not just a cognitive experience—we feel it in our bodies. The tension. The heartache. The uncertainty. The emotional labour of advocating for them again and again. The grief of knowing school can’t meet them where they are, even when we’ve tried everything.

We find ourselves dysregulated while trying to support a child who is dysregulated. The cycle is exhausting.

And here’s something important:

Even as professionals in this space—even as therapists, social workers, teachers, and helpers—we don’t get it right all the time.

We’re not immune to overwhelm.

We are not exempt from co-regulating on empty batteries.

We’re human too.

I’ve lived parts of this myself. Some mornings, the gap between what school is and what my child needs feels so wide that all we can do is slow everything right down. Allowing extra time, prepping lunches and clothes the night before, even printing out the visual schedule in advance—those small steps have been our saving grace on the mornings when everything feels too much. Not perfect. But just enough.

Let’s pause here. Because it matters.

You are not failing if school is hard.

You are not broken if your nervous system feels stretched thin.

You are not alone.

So What Can Help?

When we understand that behaviour is a reflection of a nervous system in action, we can shift how we show up—for our kids and for ourselves.

Here are a few nervous system strategies that can support connection and regulation in tough seasons:

For a Parent/Carer:

• Anchor to the present moment with a regulating object: Keep a smooth stone, textured fabric, or calming scent nearby. Let it be your grounding cue.

• Body scan with compassion: Pause and gently ask, Where is the tension in my body? What does it need right now? Even naming it helps.

• Glimmer collection: Actively seek out tiny moments of safety and joy—a breeze, a bird, a song that feels like hope. Your nervous system will thank you.

For Your Child:

• Rhythm and movement: Rocking, swaying, bouncing on a yoga ball, walking together. Predictable movement patterns send cues of safety to the brain.

• Voice matters: Speak slowly, gently, and low in pitch when they’re heightened. This tells their system you’re safe and they’re not alone.

• Name the moment, not the behaviour: Instead of “stop yelling,” try “this is a tricky moment—we’re figuring it out together.”

We don’t have to fix everything.

We don’t have to get it perfect.

We can stay in connection—even when it’s messy.

And if school isn’t a safe base right now, you can be.

That doesn’t mean you carry it all alone—it just means your love, your nervous system, your showing-up matters more than you know.

Gentleness for your journey. We see you. We’re with you.

If you’d like more support or connection, we hold space for parents, carers, and professionals navigating these exact moments. Let’s walk this together. We'd love to hear from you via email cvcounselling.office@gmail.com